Miserable bunch of feckers aren't you all? It might not be high art but it's damn good for it's purpose, if it wasn't then it wouldn't still be being played would it now..

FFS, I'd rather have Slade played ad-nauseum than whatever shit has escaped from Simon Bowel or any of the other vapid fuckers he does business with.

In fact, can we have them slayed?

Paris.. All I want for Christmas

German pensioner attacks shoppers with pork sword after losing trolleys...

Paris, no stranger to the salami.

They admit it, you need to be drunk to get an ID card...

I can see it now, waking up in the morning, the obligatory traffic cone, kebab remnants stuck to your face and/or chest hair, clothes smelling vaguely of vomit, Susan Boyle in bed next to you and oh cfuk, how did that happen, noooooooo, a fucking ID card, I hope nobody saw me going home with that......

We could reasonably say the population of the UK is around 62 million given that we're showing a growth of around half a million a year and we were at 61.4 million last year.

Let's be generous here and say it's 60 million, out of that 60 million probably 15 million are children, again a generous asumption so that leaves 45 million adults. Guesstimate 5 million people who aren't entitled to a UK ID card, 40 million of us poor fools left.

Out of 40 million, 1107 voluntarily applied?

Ignoring the fact that the majority of them would be air side workers who 'voluntarily' chose to keep their jobs, let's be generous again and pretend that a solid 2000 people applied, turned up for appointments and paid the ransom fee, that makes the percentage of people who wanted a card enough to actually get one 0.005% of the population.

By my reckoning, that makes each card cost 9 million quid each! (assuming the scheme cost 18 Billion so far)

Bargain.

Of course, the flaw in my logic is that I forgot to take off the price of the card so it's an artificially inflated cost per card, 60 quid makes a huge dent in the 9 million..

Perhaps they could issue a Platinum ID card or, a Centurion card, it's already one of the most exclusive clubs in the UK...

Paris, I know who she is, no need for an ID card.

Look into my eyes look into my eyes, not around the eyes and you're under..

There's massive support for ID cards, it's not a colossal fail, the number of issued cards is actually 538,000... The public loves us

Damnit, you're right, I can't do it...

crApple refuses to repair machine because owner had sniffles and liked bacon...

I can understand why an Apple 'tech' would want to reduce the number of machines they worked on though, every spare parts box they have to open presents a significant paper cut risk and those dangerous screwdrivers <folds arms, sucks teeth, frowns, shakes head>

Paris, easy open box, no paper cut risk.

Just remembered the one that came in from a shop with 'water'damage. the roof of said shop had sprung a leak, only after some careufl questioning di9d we find out that the flat roof was used by the landlord as an exercise yard for his dogs and he never cleaned it so the 'water' that had poured into the PC and monitor was actually liquified dog turd. Explains the smell anyway.

Shay Bill, wanna come over here and do some yard work for me, perhaps you could bring some of those nice young marketing boys in those tight tight shorts?

Paris,

giggity giggity goo all riiight..

I had it the wrong way round, having read the article I shall only download or buy pirate DVDs and music from now on as it's obvious that paying the creative media fuels the drug trade and I'm all for doing my bit in the war on drugs and organised crime.

Damn those postmen, if only scientists could work out some way of sending messages using computers and the Internet...

MTBF Sequence shortened..

Oh the joy.. Now you'll be able to tell exactly who has a jeebus phone by the sounds of the ads popping on screen in their pockets (that is when they aren't posing around with it)

'and a pink one ridden by Carey Grant.'

Think you need to be a little careful about what you say there, rumour's about Carey Grant's sexuality resulted in at least one law suit.

On the other hand, he's dead so he can't sue...

Paris, she's partial to riding a pink one.

'Stallman's privacy concerns are such that he avoids using mobiles in general.'

Why?

Much as I dislike mobiles in general and recognise the privacy implications, 'the man' already knows where you live and where you work so the only privacy concern I can see is them tracking you between cells which is easy to solve with a combination of an unregistered Pay Go phone and the simple tactic of removing the phone battery when you don't need it switched on.

I suspect he's one black helicopter short of a surveillance state.

Black helicopter, there, I fixed it for ya..

It would take a more cruel person than I to mention that they were taken over by

Clueless and Witless because their accounts deparment has always sucked royally.

Paris, because she doesn't kiss and tell with customer details.

So that's just what I needed to lift me out of the post holiday return to work blues, thank you Simon and El-Reg.

I needed that.

Now if I could only arrange it so that I can be in Cornwall and reading BOFH.....

I've often heard it said that Apple fanbois worship at the feet of Steve Jobs, the biggest cult in the business, although I may have misheard?

Paris, she's got a cult all of her own.

There's an obvious flaw looming..

If the efforts of the military are now focused on defeating international terrorism (is it just me that thinks of Crelm whenever they hear that phrase?) as organised by evil geniuses everywhere then all they need to do to cause chaos and disrupt submarine communications is to have sharks with frickin laser beams on their heads....

Perhaps they should also consider not haivng laptops mounted on their dashboards as well?

<clarkson>Better yet, perhaps they should concentrate on what they're good at and stick to murdering prostitutes...</clarkson>

I mean, come one, an Apple laptop? Surely that's just another torture technique?

Over the bloody Cisco ad that keep popping up covering content on El Reg.. At least you can pay to get rid of the ransomware.

They can stick their databases up their collective arses.

Still, if Gitmo is still open in a few years time, I could use a break somewhere nice n warm and the compo would come in handy too.