It's all very well to talk about Our Boys going down to the South Atlantic and giving Johnny Gaucho a good kicking, but Our Boys appear to be Involved in a Land War in Asia which doesn't look like ending any time soon (about 2050 would be my guess). BRITAIN does not, however, seem to be suffering from a shortage of jingoistic idiots, so perhaps conscription of empty-headed Daily Heil readers is an option worth pursuing.

Black helicopter borrowed from the US Marines.

If Osama bin Laden had a nuclear device, he wouldn't be selling it to some berk with a hang-up about Big SCIENCE, he'd be arranging for someone to deliver it through President Obambi's sitting-room window.

...at least according to Pickles, who says Wright once described Dave the Chameleon as a ‘horrible opportunistic scumbag.’ On Twitter.

One may find fault with Wright's honesty, but his judgement is spot-on.

Heard on the wireless this morning that it will indeed be shown at Sundance. Morris has declined to give interviews but the consensus is that it will create a shitstorm of truly epic proportions.

"Stop people writing blogs, stop any letters to the local rag about the council's plans."

And bring an immediate halt to the heinous practice of commenting on El Reg during the hours of daylight?

We're I a Mank. Utd. foopballer, I should take great pleasure in telling The Mgt where to stick its pettifoggery.

Well up to the usual Stob Standard.

...it's not pagans, it's Queen Mab:

This is that very Mab

That plaits the manes of horses in the night,

And bakes the elflocks in foul sluttish hairs,

Which once untangled, much misfortune bodes

Romeo & Juliet, Act 1, scene iv.

No, no! You go to a shop like Dixons, Comet, PC World etc. to compare and contrast specifications and then buy it on teh Intarwebs for 2/3 the price of any bricks'n'mortar shop.

...I have no idea what La Stob was on about in that piece, but it didn't stop me laughing like a laughing thing. Yay for VS!

Someone clearly has far too much time on their hands.

Geoff Thomas' miss for England against France in 1992 takes some beating.

Has anyone contacted noted haiku artiste and new President of the European Council Herman van Rompuy?

Get in the cannon.

$DEITY has scored a Late Equalizer.

Oi! US Navy! You thick fucks!

I've got a mate who heads up a company making all sorts of exciting Stuffs for the US Military-Industrial Complex, and I bet he's rolling in hundred-dollar bills at this news.

This sort of thing makes me want to reach for my Box of Stab™

...when Margaret Beckett takes her caravan to Basra and gets back in one piece.

Surely is should be l33t haxor?

Ali Mani, UR L33T IS ZERO%

That is all.

Two questions:

1. Will it catch an arse-bomber?

2. How many of the people complaining about this have ever photocopied their arse during the Christmas party?

Sit 'em down with a big stack of early "Taggart" DVDs. In one week they'll be able to say "murrrrrrrrdah" with the best of them.

...I've got an idea.

Instead of spending twenty billion sovs on "upgrading" Trident (What's wrong with the current version? No iPod connectivity?), a weapon system which we do not want, cannot use and are not certain how to operate, why not spend the cash on something useful, like schools, hospitals, helichopters which work etc. etc. Sorted.

Also the only common factors between the E21 BMW 3-series and the fifth-generation E90 model currently in production are the badge and the woeful lack of standard equipment, such as indicators.

I'm going to Chicago at the weekend. Should I pack fireproof grundies?

It is, perhaps, worth noting that Mallard's record was set in one direction only and on a slight downgrade.

Plus it broke.

...a tail or a no-tail, Edward?

Paris, coz she knows the difference.

Hurrah for the Great British Shed!

I hope US F1's engineers are better at arithmetic than Hurley is. The last American team in F1 was Penske, which raced between 1974 and 1976. Moreover, they actually won a race - the 1976 Austrian GP with John Watson at the wheel.

"the plague is socialism"

Where?

"Iraq war $1T - 4330 Americans Dead - over 30,000 wounded. Reason: catch-Osama-but-he's-to-smart-for-you-dumb-shits-so-mission-waste-of-time."

Er, wrong war.

IRAQ is supposedly about weapons of mass destruction, or Saddam Hussein being a genocidal loon with a crap moustache and simply shocking taste in interior décor, and not at all about the world's second largest oil reserves, no sirree. Also, it's unwinnable.

AFGHANISTAN is supposedly about wiping out Moslem insaniacs who "we" would never in a million years approach with suitcases full of money in exchange for building pipelines from assorted former Soviet republics or supply with weapons to fight the Formidable Red Army. Also, it's unwinnable.

The Americans have need of the internet^w telephone, but we do not. We have plenty of messenger boys.

Adverts portraying reality? Next you'll be telling me that there really /are/ technically-adept Russian-accented meerkats out there.

You will be delighted to learn that we have found you gainful employment. You start Monday.

Please bring your own bog brush.

Yours sincerely

Monroe College

No, I haven't got a degree. Just a temperature.

The setting of a film somewhere other than Planet Earth doth not make it "sci-fi". Alien is a monster movie set on a spacecraft. And Star Wars is a western with lasers and spaceships instead of six-shooters and horses. These people need to get out more.

Oh, wait...

"So if you've got some uranium or plutonium compounds stored inside the bunker and someone manages to penetrate it and blow the bloody doors off, isn't that going to result in toxic compounds being released to the atmosphere and harming the planet?"

Very probably. Now, remind me again of the last time the US Military-Industrial Complex actually /cared/ about That Sort Of Thing?

I note with pleasure that the item on the BBC's "Breakfast" prog this morning, concerning the quarantining of BRITISH children by the authorities in Beijing, was fronted by Chris Hogg.

I need to dial 999 immediately and ask for an ambulance.

Wah!

...what worries me is not so much that the News Of The Screws is doing this - it's not so different from raking through dustbins or taking photographs of minor royals using a lens the size of a 155mm howitzer - but that the phone companies' security is so crap that even private eyes and Filthy Lying Journalist Scum can do it.

I am crying with laughter and people are giving me Funny Looks.

Every The Prime Minister in the last thirty years has promised to scythe down the Evil Quangos. Here is how much has changed: 0.

I shall believe it when I see it which, given it's been promised by Dave the Chameleon, seems unlikely.

...an opportunity for a Michael Jackson joke but I'll stick with The Ruts' "Babylon's Burning" for now.

...as any fule kno, is the eigth track on the Penguin Cafe Orchestra's 1987 album "Signs Of Life".

And I've already got it.

Kill them. With fire.

Flippin 'eck, Unc, did you know something we didn't?

Bozoman, more like. Mind you, this is a place which once prevented Eleanor Roosevelt from delivering a speech at the university on the grounds that she might be "too controversial".

Worse still, my planned road trip later this year takes me through Bozoman. I may have to apply for a job there, just so's I can attempt to Fuck the System.

Another pointless electric "sports" car.

"Church: As long as it doesn't involve a priest and kid, I think we're good to go!"

Has that ceased to be Catholic policy, then?

Srsly, the requirement for compatibility with the ethos and teachings of the Catholic church is going seriously to cut into the customer base.

No-one is being forced to use it. Teh Intarwebs in all its sordid glory is still there for anyone who decides of their own free will not to use this particular search wossname.

...but the lack of noise made by those things utterly prevents me from being gripped thereby.